blank page. forgiveness. philippians.

a blank page
a canvas of future wonder
what can I say of the past
nothing
because it is what it should be
the past
the pain
the hurt
the abuse
the call
the wander
the return home
the beauty of forgiveness
the assurance of a new life
the peace in understanding the depths
of brokenness
and the lengths He will go to
to mend me
I'm not alone
I never have been
I don't understand it
I never will
until I see Him
until I see my true Daddy's face
all that's lost and in speculation
will be made bright and clear
two things I know
He is good
and He loves me
He also makes beauty from the brokenness
and this is where I rest
where I choose to forgive
yes, even forget
because I press on
towards the upward call of
God in Christ Jesus
and Christ Jesus in me
I forgive you
Yes I forgive you
because He forgave entirely
in this I am free
this blank page
a canvas of future wonder
it is here that I leave you
praying you will someday
choose the path
of a pure, blank page
of new life and forgiveness too

your Daddy's heart. zephaniah. ephesians.

Seeing you sit

seeing you wrestle

seeing you squirm from My arms

all I want is to hold you

and bring you near

but My glory makes you so alarmed

I love you every second

in the wandering and the waiting

I see your confused heart

so much pain and hurt your contemplating

I stay awake at night as the moon rises and you rest

that moment so precious to Me when you finally close your eyes and trust

breathing deep with no fear in your mind

you leave the lies and anxieties of your day behind

If only you would trust that I want that for you every second

No fear, no worry of displeasure

from a Father who adores you

I've never left your side

from the moment you received your gift of Christ

Child, I look at you with such a smile

Your Mine

How could I not want you to be near

I'm your Daddy, the one whos supposed to wipe your tears

I've  delighted in you for years

dont you see Me

dont you know Me

I'm not what you've made Me out to be

I sacrificied it all, so My glory you could see

The glory of My son and of His resurrection

who redeemed you back to perfection

I've got so much to tell you child

if you would just trust

I will love you with a pure and everlasting love

so seeing you sit

seeing you wrestle

breaks My heart

if you knew the Daddy I was you wouldnt squirm from My arms

I'll sit right here and watch you as I wait

to see you transform into the beautiful child

who trusts Me and doesnt hesitate

to come into My presence

to dance and rejoice with Me 

that I am yours now and my Son has set you free

the Daddy who delights in our emotions. psalms.

You take account and put my tears in Your bottle, are they not in Your book. psalm 56:8

One thing I've realized in the last few months is that, as women, we are somewhat afraid and at times even ashamed of our emotions. Whether its a dad that told us that we were "too emotional" or a boyfriend or our mom it wounded us write down to the core. It did for me anyways. I literally for years have been chocking on my emotions. I noticed it in church a few weeks ago when I wanted to cry but would not let myself be THAT emotional and my throat started throbbing like "I need to get this out." Or when I'm with my husband and feel this deep need to cry but something in my head says "you're just way too emotional" I'm sure each of you has had the same experience. You want to cry but you just can't or maybe you're so hardened to emotions you don't even know what crying feels like anymore because it happens so rarely.

I'm starting to slowly learn that "you're too emotional" is simply a lie straight from the pit of hell. Yes, there are times when our emotions can lead us to sins like self-pity or hatred or bitterness. However, emotions in general are not a bad thing. When I think about it I'm not sure what it even means when someone says "you're too emotional". I certainly think that if anyone is telling you that, they're probably scared of emotions in general or just don't want to "deal" with yours.

 So lets rebuke that lie in Jesus' name. Because I can tell you the Lord would never say that you are too emotional. He says the opposite: He tells us that He puts our tears in His bottle and He takes account of them in His book.(psalm 56:8) He tells us that He weeps with us and when Jesus walked the earth I can guarantee He was FULL of emotions and it was a beautiful thing. As women we were made to reflect the heart of God in such a unique way and that includes full ranges of emotions. Don't let the enemy tell you anything else. Rejoice in your emotions and bring each one of them to the Father of Lights and let them be sanctified in His Truth and Love for you.

you will be like those who dream. psalms.

When I was a little girl, I always dreamed of going to Ireland. I knew it would not be possible but there was still a giddy yearning in my heart of the day I could see the cliffs of Moher or pretty castles on a hill. I would dream big dreams that were beautiful and vibrant and hopeful. Yet my heart was breaking, the real world wasn’t like my dreams. It felt more like a nightmare sometimes. There were so many years of hurting, wishing, begging God to free me from pains that felt un healable, and scars that just seemed too deep; they would always be there holding me down, chocking out the life and joy from me. Years of bitterness, depression and quite frankly hatred followed me as I grew up wondering why God would allow bad things to happen to me, not finding Him. I would run to alcohol, boys, anything to cure the pain. None of them cared, they just stole more joy and life from me.  I remember laying on my bed many times at 11, 14, 16 and crying out to my Father. Begging him to just comfort me. He would always point me to verses like:

"When the Lord brought back the captive ones of Zion,

we were like those who dream. 

Then our mouth was filled with laughter

and our tongue with joyful shouting; those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy. He who goes to and fro weeping, carrying his bag of seed, 

shall indeed come again with a shout of joy, bringing his sheaves with him."

(Psalm 126:1)

 or

"You are my hiding place; You will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance"

(psalm 32:7)

I really didn't believe or even understand the verses that the Lord would show me during those times. He was going to heal me? He was going to protect me? One day I would be like those who dream and my mouth would be filled with laughter? Yeah right...that seemed impossible. Oh but it is possible with Him. I have learned in the past few years over tears being shed, over years of friends that never left my side and showed me how to trust, over a sweet husband who loves me and protects me more than I had ever dreamed. I learned that the Lord does have good for me. I am in a season of joy I feel like the captive ones of Zion who are like those who dream and my heart is filled with laughter that I sometimes can't really control...I'm not saying life is perfect by any means, I still have hard days and am still healing, but I have never felt more safe, more healed, more joyful, more loved by people and the Lord. I have never felt so free. 

If you are in a season where it seems life will never change, you'll always be hurting, you'll always be struggling, you'll always be single, you'll always be depressed and anxious...it's not true. That's just another lie from satan. Take it from someone who is healing a lot, who is joyful, who is like those who dreamed. You will come out on the other side and God will return your wasted years. Trust Him, press into Him...He has so much for you sweet child of God. Let Him speak this to your heart:

I know your wishing

I know your wanting

I know your waiting to be rescued

I weep with you

How I love you

I keep My hand right on you

You will be like those who dreamed

I died so you could be free

From the hell, from your captivity

You will reap songs of joy carrying your sheaves

Behind you of precious fruit that they cannot steal

Cause on your heart I've sealed; My holy spirit

Your constant guide

He will comfort

He intercedes

He reminds you that I will never leave

So rest your head child

I’m right here, I’ll see you through these years

I’ve never failed you, I never will

Just wait in My arms, trust Me and be still

Here is a picture I took while I was in Ireland on my honeymoon at the cliffs of Moher with the most beautiful sunset I've ever seen my Heavenly Daddy create. My husband got it framed for me as a Christmas gift and it sits in our living room. It is not just a picture to me, it is a symbol that God does have good for us, He will never leave, He wants to heal us and He (believe it or not) wants our dreams and desires to come true like any Good Daddy does...

eat from the Tree of Life. genesis.

So I decided, about a week ago, to read through the bible front to back. I’m only on Genesis 6 so don’t start praising me for anything. I’ve tried reading through the whole bible before but I always get so bored at Leviticus that I give up… I might end up grazing through it this time too, but I think God will have grace on me. Anyways, as I was reading through Genesis 3 last week something so cool caught my attention and I haven’t been able to get it out of my head (thus why I’m writing this.) As you know the story goes that God told Adam "From any tree of the garden you may eat freely; but from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat from it you will surely die."
However, Eve was curious and satan was crafty and you know the story…she ate the apple and she gave it to her husband who was right there with her… and then everything went down the tubes. But, as God drives them out of the garden He says something to the Son and Holy Spirit that I never caught before...


 “Behold, the man has become like one of Us, knowing good and evil; and now, he might stretch out his hand, and take also from the tree of life, and eat, and live forever”—  therefore the Lord God sent him out from the garden of Eden, to cultivate the ground from which he was taken. So He drove the man out; and at the east of the garden of Eden He stationed the cherubim and the flaming sword which turned every direction to guard the way to the tree of life." Genesis 3:22-24


 According to this verse- if Adam had just taken from the Tree of Life in the first place, the Tree he was free to eat from, He would have lived forever. However, Adam and Eve desired to know good and evil instead of trust the Lord and live forever with Him. I can’t help but see the tree of the knowledge of good and evil as a foreshadow of the Law and the Tree of Life as a foreshadow of Jesus. God was always offering Adam to eat from the tree of Life and have relationship with the Father and let the Father provide for Him and love Him and walk with Him in the garden. However, Adam and Eve chose to know good and bad, they desired to know right and wrong, do good and not bad so they could be like God. God always just wanted them to trust Him and eat from the right Tree.

Just as He desires for my heart everyday. He says “Gwen are you going to eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil and try to do right and wrong to please Me or have a good standard of yourself? Or are you going to eat from the Tree of Life that I freely offer you in Jesus, are you going to trust that I don’t want anything from you but to be with Me, that I'll never harm you or leave you? Are you going to trust Me when I offer Jesus as your substitution and that none of your works will ever satisfy Me?”

So today my heart responds with a joyful yes, I’ll eat from the Tree of Life, The Living Bread, I’ll eat from Jesus who freely offers me new life and a sweet sweet relationship with Him. I hope you eat from this Tree too. 

michael. Jesus. receiving love.

Woah, I have not written in a year! My life has been so different in the past year. But different in the most wonderful of ways. I met a man. Not just any man but the one the Lord has been preparing my heart for since I was little. He is patient, he is kind, and he is such a reflection of Christ to my heart. I can remember years of waiting for him and tears of why the Lord was not giving me the desires of my heart. But He did, He does. I will tell you it is wonderful to be in love because it is, but I will also tell you it is one of the most messy, hard and healing relationships you will ever have.

This past week I have seen my inability to trust or to be loved by others. It is nearly impossible for me to believe that anyone is for me and that my loving fiancé Mike is for me. But he is. Though I don't believe it at times, he is so for me and so loves me... He writes me letters almost everyday, he hugs me and covers me with kisses, he's gracious and patient, Hes slow to anger even when I'm not, He makes sure I feel safe and protected. Yet somehow i still can't always believe He really loves me. How foolish! Yet, this is just a reflection of my relationship with the Lord.

I often think The Lord is against me, He's a distant unloving Father, He's mad at my past sins, He can't be trusted and thus I am left to my own devices and control of everything. However He writes me love notes everyday like Mike does. They are just in the form of sunrises, comforting words from a friend, kisses from babies, laughter, moments of peace after prayer, beautiful words at the perfect time like "I have loved you with an everlasting love" or "I have called you, you are Mine.", even hard days are His grace, when I know He is drawing me to Himself. He woos and pursues me every single day and I see it for a second but brush it away as if it isn't for me and He can't love me. But He does. He sent His Son because He loved me and so He could love me despite my flesh and become one with me! That is love. True love. I pray for grace for me and you to believe it.

Receive His love today that He so longs to give you sweet child of God.

Jesus. watchman nee. thoughts.

i figured since this is my last week home before school starts up again, i should blog a little. wow it's been forever.

lately, I am so thankful for all that God is teaching me. i just got back from a trip down to Chatanooga, TN with a group of wonderful college students who love Jesus. it was a time of refreshment and growth. also, I've been reading a book called 'The Normal Christian Life' by Watchman Nee. sounds a little boring but it is one of those books that makes things click in your mind and heart about all that Jesus has done for you. i encourage you to read it.

through these little events over break and through sweet communion with Jesus I have learned a few things...


1. i love the south.

2. i have been crucified with Christ...literally. 'I no longer live, Christ lives through me'(galatians 2:20)...woah.

3. white chocolate covered oreo truffles are the BEST.

4. God is always in the business of redemption and reconciliation.

5. i can't wait to be done with school and travel somewhere beautiful and green (by God's grace.)

6. i have way too many fears, including life after graduation but when Christ is big in my mind, my fears are not.

7. i am so excited for my brother to be a dad, and so excited to be an aunt!

8. all my planning really doesn't matter, but my desires do matter. His will is where our desires and the world's needs meet... Can't wait to see what that is!

9. i love my family.

10. i love my friends

11. i am so blessed.

that's it. Blessings to you in 2012!